It is still hard for me to reach out. I have had several people contacting me lately by phone, email, and snail mail. Some of you I have never met. Your words, thoughts, and prayers reassure me and let me know that I am not alone. When I am feeling down all I have to do is reach out and I know you will be there for me.
What also makes it hard to reach out is that there is a little piece of me that asks “What if…” I know I can’t second guess what would have happened if… it had not rained the day before and we had gone out then instead – If I had been with her… and so on and so forth. Then I worry that if I have these thoughts do some of Bette’s family in the deep dark recesses of their being blame me for the loss of their sister. I have been told that no one blames me but if it creeps into my mind …
Then when I think about it in the light of reason I realize if Bette really wanted to do something wild horses could not keep her from it. A good example is motorcycles. She knew how I feel about them but she always wanted to ride/drive one. In deference to my feelings she never drove one, but she did get her yearly ride around the block from a friend (that I trust with my life). She wanted to drive a racecar, and drive on a super speedway. She found a way. We gave each other the Richard Petty experience for Christmas last year and we each drove one of their cars around Daytona Speedway for eight laps. Bette called me after her first time around the park (after lunch) and told me how much fun she had and about all the nice people. She said it was real pretty and how we were going to have to explore the park come spring and summer. She said she was going to go around one more time and come home. So I just have to tell myself Bette was doing what she wanted to do. After living with Bette for the past 30 years I think she would not want me to beat myself up about this and no one else should blame themselves either.
Jaime, No one to blame for this accident, that is why it was called an accident, a freakish, unbelievable, still can't phathom, stinkin' accident...Bette was enjoying herself, and hit a tree, not even the tree's fault. But we all just want to re-wind the day and change the out come, hell, who wouldn't? I'll never get Cheryl's words out of my head and you will never get the policeman's words out of your head...and the chain of phone calls through the siblings will always be there. Your being there would not have change the out come either. Jim was there and he will be forever remembering that day. We should all be glad Jim was there, for Bette wasn't alone...and she had a good time. It was all just an accident. "What if" is a game we play with our heads, and all it creates is guilt ,doubt, and blame and you know Bette wouldn't have any of that...and the whole family knows it too. And Bette would tell you, if you really WANT to get beat up, head for the karate studio. We love you Jaime
ReplyDeleteJaime;
ReplyDeleteI know you have heard it said that we all have an appointed time to die and nothing we can do can change that. What if.. what if.. does nothing but make us feel more helpless. Surely there was something that could have changed the out come..., but sadly nothing would have. There is nothing anyone could have done more than they did.. it was just her time appointed. Don't play the blame game; it was no one's fault. Certainly don't blame youself; you can't change history. No one blames you [ or anyone else]. And if they do, SHAME on Them, although I doubt if you would find anyone who would. When things happen that we can't control it is normal to think what if...
I felt so bad that I couldn't do anything for you on Bette's birthday. I tried my best to comfort Bonnie..what a sad time for you both. I glad you two are talking so often. It will help both of you cope better with time. If you think you can, try to write down the stories others are telling you about Bette, or maybe have them e mail you & print them off. That will help you remember, not that you ever could.
I'm glad you got through your interview.. was praying for you.
Love Jenny