Still learning to live without Bette

At times I feel like I lived being pulled along in Bette's wake. She was so dynamic, energetic, giving and Loving. I know I must go on but it is hard to be motivated without Bette.

I had a pretty good week. The last half anyway. I went slot-car racing Tuesday night. If you are a guy around my age you probably remember slot-car tracks in almost every town. In the 1960’s and to a lesser extent in the 70’s at one point there were more slot-car tracks than bowling alleys. Anyway my friend Don got us into slot car racing again (I did it as a preteen). Bette even had her own controller and cars. We would go to a track in Manchester New Hampshire (The Need for Speed) on Tuesdays. Don and I would be running the fast “wing” cars and Bette was interested in the slower and harder to drive “hard body” races going on the smaller track. The hard body cars are made from the plastic model car bodies. One of Bette’s two favorite cars was a black Shelby Mustang the other went between a 50’s style Chevy car and a Semi tractor trailer truck.

Bette got us into the hard body cars. The three of us would be there almost every Tuesday evening racing them with between 12 to18 other slot-car racers until Bette started going for her Masters in education. I think the slot-car racing was the only hobby I had that we did not share on a regular basis. So after Bette died I wanted to try to return my life to somewhat normalcy so I continue to go on Tuesdays. Ralph and everyone else at the track have been really supportive (even though they have not let me win any races).

Back to my original point. I had a pretty good week. There is still the daily morning cry… I woke up this morning thinking about all the things Bette and I discussed doing the next 20 years – that are not going to happen now. Except for December, January, and February we planned on taking the RV out someplace every month. Sometimes it was to someplace local and simple. We had plans to drive down to Florida visiting Billy and Mary, Bobby and Linda, then Brenda and Billy ending up at Lovers Key State Park. We were going to volunteer to work for them. Bette already had permission from work for a sabbatical. We had plans for attending more Grand Am races. There were too many things to discuss in this forum. Generally we wanted to just grow old together.

Right now (Saturday evening December 5, 2009) it is snowing out. We always got excited with the first snow. Now it is only getting me depressed knowing I will never clear her car off again, we will never shovel out the mailbox together. No cross country skiing, no last minute trips to Florida to beat the mid winter blues. No one will be home when I get there after a long day at work and a slippery snowy commute. Bette would have meal of one of my favorite comfort foods hot and ready when I walked through the door (her school would be cancelled due to snow). I don’t have her to call to let her know I made it to work all right. I will not hear her voice calling me to let me know she is leaving work…

Tuesday I have a job interview for my job. I may explain this later. Tuesday is Bonnie and Bette’s birthday. Tuesday will be really difficult.

I am trying to figure out a way to end this on a positive note but it is hard. I miss her so much but I have a lot of friends that have and will help me when I need help. I want to thank you all, from the people I see almost daily to those I don’t even know that are praying for me. You know who you are and I can not thank you enough. With your help I will start making forward progress and create my own wake. And with a little luck and determination maybe I will create enough of a wake to help pull others alone that are in need of a helping hand.

Clolumbas Day 2009

Daytona Speedway 24 hour race.

Billy took Bette's picture.

Bette studied even while on vacation.