Three months...

It has been three months since Bette died. I can not say it has gotten any easier.

I have noticed that I have not been able to read a fortune cookie fortune since Bette has died. I think it has to do with the fragile nature of life and the fortunes are sort of making light of our future. I can not eat alone in a restaurant or go to the movie theater by myself either. I would give anything to get back that day three months ago.

I have not walked around the house talking out loud to Bette (like I have seen on TV and in the movies) but I do think to her all the time. There has been so much I have wanted to tell and share with her. For example I know she was very concerned that my job was being [out] sourced and if the sourcing company would hire me. I can’t tell her the good news and share my inner feelings. In the four years we have followed the Grand Am Rolex sports car race series we have planned our weekend around the race (watch it on SPEED this Saturday and Sunday). Twice we were there in person and the other two years we were glued to the TV and Internet during the race. It will be hard watching but I know Bette would want me to – and she will be there in spirit watching with me and rooting for our favorite drivers (Andy and Spencer when Mark is not driving in the GT class – Ryan D. and Scott P. in DP class {my unscientific prediction for the Rolex 24 winners}). As I have said before Bette loved being at the races, meeting the drivers and teams, watching the cars being prepared, the carnival like atmosphere, and sharing insights. These are big things that are easy to try to explain in this Blog. There are probably thousands of little moments – shared thoughts, a smirk, a laugh, watching our favorite TV shows together, a nod, a smile, just being near each other, a missed touch, her complaining about the cold and planning to move to warmer climates when we retire or when she finished her Masters, even the little disagreements (your turn to feed the dogs, let them out or in, do the dishes, …) I dearly miss every week, day, hour, minute, and second. Bette was more than my Wife, lover, and companion. In the more than 30 years we have been together and married Bette was my muse, my mentor, my sounding board, my anchor, (this may sound hokey) my sun, moon, earth beneath my feet, my best friend, the air I breathed, MY EVERYTHING! Together we could and would take on the world. I can not think of anything I do that I can not relate back to her. She keeps me going now, when I am in doubt I think what would Bette want me to do…

I try to share my feeling with all of you out there but as you are well aware there is an intimacy in being married for 30 years that can not be replaced quickly. There will forever be a hole that can not be filled. Hopefully I will, in time, learn my way around it. I would like to thank everyone that talks to me, or writes to me, thinks of me, and has me in their prayers.

It may sound unreal and like we had the perfect marriage. There is no such thing as the perfect marriage. But I do want to say we did not have any big arguments. We never went to bed mad at each other. We dealt with money by not worrying about it. If one of us got something the other would buy something they wanted. We would not go crazy though. It is not a practical way to deal with money and I would not recommend it to others. We were lucky enough to have incomes that let us do it.

And as I think I have stated before in this Blog we ALLWAYS parted saying “I Love You” punctuated with three kisses. Those three kisses on the morning of October 25, 2009 were the last time I touched Bette and she me. But at least I have that wonderful series of kisses as a beautiful last memory.